June 26, 2019

For those of you who complain that you have no time to read in today’s increasingly busy world, I offer the following humble advice:

  1. Audio books – We’ve all got places to go and nobody walks any more so if you can bear to switch off the 1,000 channels of Sirius radio in your car, you might give this a try (Warning: some of the people who will be reading to you may have seriously annoying voices. Turn them off immediately and try one of these other tips).
  2. Read in the tub – this often doesn’t turn out to be as good an idea as it sounds. Wet books take forever to dry and always smell funny after they do.
  3. Read while you’re on hold on the phone – I once started (and finished) “War and Peace” when I called Revenue Canada to ask about a getting a tax write-off for all the time spent on hold on the phone.
  4. Read when you’re standing in line – a recent trip to the grocery store (where I stood behind a delightful senior citizen who insisted she could find the exact change in her purse if she pawed through it long enough) provided me with just the opportunity I needed to finish the last 200 pages of “Ulysses”.
  5. Read in bed – but don’t read anything terribly exciting (you’ll be up all night) or anything too dull (you’ll fall asleep, snoring, with the book on your chest and your glasses on your nose and look like a total doofus. Trust me, I know).
  6. Read while you eat lunch – I recommend only disposable magazines or cheap trade paperbacks. You can’t get barbeque sauce off paper and you can’t read through cheese.
  7. Read when you’re on the throne – this might be the very best time and place to read. Indeed, there are many of us who simply must read in this circumstance. You folks with magazine racks in the loo know what I’m talking about.

See? By simply using these few useful tips you can easily find an average of at least three hours a day in which you can read to your heart’s content. I’ve just rewarded myself for finishing this blog by eating a large pepperoni pizza. Now where did I put my copy of “Don Quixote”?